Personal Narrative – Page 14

March 18, 2011

They Will Find You

be still and let them find you/they will come when they are ready ~ruth foreman

So says Ruth in a poem featured in Flat-Footed Truths: Writing Black Women’s Lives. She is talking about your words, your stories. They come to you and through you at the anointed, appointed time. I am finding this to be true in my own life. It has been quite an evolution really – moving from wanting to write my life to becoming ready to actually do it.

The more I read from women who are unabashedly unafraid to narrate their lives, the more I feel the urge to do the same. This has gone through various manifestations over the past two decades:

I want to be a writer!
I should write, but I have nothing to say. (This one for 10 years).
I have things to say, but to whom?
I should write, just because…who cares who reads it?
I’m afraid to write.
I need to write to explore, inquire, and grow. (But I’m still afraid to write…).

This last place is my present positioning. I am beginning to view writing as a tool of understanding and simultaneously as a tool of empowerment. As we write, we have the opportunity to reflect, but also the chance to rewrite our trajectories. As we write the past and the present, we have the opportunity to also write our futures.

We have a say. Writing gives voice to thoughts and makes them visible. In their visibility they become tangible: A memory becomes a guiding light. An amorphous thought becomes a pathway, a next step. It becomes something I can touch and do. Through writing, thoughts can become action.

I found myself reading Audre Lorde, Anaïs Nin, and literally breathing in their words. They refresh me; quench a thirst I wasn’t sure existed. Why? Because they are me, only they are brave. They write about the complexities of their lives, being honest and open about things others of us would rather keep secret. They hold uncomfortable memories up to the light, turn them round and round and draw the truth out, painful (or joyful) though it may be.

When I read their words I always have to journal or jot down the memories I’ve pushed away. The secrets I’ve kept hidden. The lessons I’ve left unlearned or unchallenged. Reading their bravery pushes me closer to my own.

In 2011, I am fearless. And so it goes, one word, one page at a time.

be still and let them find you/they will come when they are ready ~ruth foreman

January 17, 2011

A New Conceptual Framework

SGIwomen — SGI young women’s study group bon voyage gathering.

It’s time for me to go back to the literature again. It’s not for a class paper (yay) or my dissertation (done); rather, it’s for me.

I have many ideas swirling around for research and teaching, and (no surprise) most of them are not directly connected to what I’ve spent the past three years reading/writing/thinking about.

I’ve never taken a women’s studies class, but I’m feeling as though it may be time to audit one. I’d like to read, write and teach at the intersection of women (18-35), literacy, narrative/story, and human revolution.

I wonder how good UGA’s digital library collection is…

January 16, 2011

Waiting In Between

It’s often hard for those of us who are “doers” to be in a holding pattern. But the Universe is getting ready for you.

So said @ChrisMacDen in consolation to me and another tweep, @MeaggiePie. We were discussing our lack of serious contribution to the global discussion board known as Twitter. I lamented feeling “in between” and having nothing much of value to say as of late.

I’m in between because I lack clarity on next steps about my career. At best, I have a vague and fuzzy sense about the work I should take up. I have one part-time job and two verbal offers for others. But I’m waiting on them to begin. In the interim, I know neither of the three jobs are long term strategies. They are ways to earn money and valuable experience while I ~~wait~~ design and develop my ideal career path.

I don’t like this feeling of stagnation, but on reflection, I don’t think the universe is really getting ready for me. I think it’s waiting on me to get ready. Rightly or wrongly, I believe that the universe conspires for my success. But at the very least, I must present it with a plan or a vision of what that might mean. You can always be redirected if you find yourself going down the wrong path, but I’m not sure how much meaningful progress you make doing nothing.

Sure, standing still, listening, regrouping, they are all valuable things to do, but at some point you have to start moving if you ever plan to arrive at your destination. I guess I need to figure out what that is…

I have a few ideas. I’m giving myself until my birthday to flesh them out.

January 2, 2011May 4, 2019

Day 2 – Love/Hate

I can honestly say I’m not moved by today’s task. We’re supposed to conduct a life assessment of 7 specific areas of our life. We’re to list what we love and hate about each area. Hate being strong, we’re encouraged to consider “strongly dislike.”

Welp, the good news for me is I don’t strongly dislike any aspect of my life. I live a happy, well-rounded, successful life. Things aren’t perfect, but even trying to frame things in terms of strong dislike simply didn’t ring true for me. This means my Buddhist practice is working, as the main goal is to build absolute (internal) happiness, not based on externals. Simultaneously, when things aren’t going quite right on the outside, we identify them right away and work to change them (again working from the inside out).

The 7 areas are: lifestyle, work, education, finances, health, family, and relationships. I jotted statements about how things are going, including what I like and what improvement I’d like to see. I’ll share the highlights:

DSC_0264 copy — My aunt and uncle at my graduation, December 2010.

Lifestyle: I love the freedom to make my own schedule. I would like to spend more time dancing and communing with nature. And dating.

Work: I’m in between jobs since I graduated two weeks ago and my jobs don’t start for another week. I’ll let you know how things are going once they’re underway.

Education: I just finished the highest degree offered in the U.S. I have things I’d like to learn/master including sewing, cooking, and specific genres of writing.

Finances: I have money saved. This is a great feat considering I’ve not had a full time job in 3 1/2 years. No complaints there. I have goals for this year including earnings, savings, and giving.

Health: I’m in good overall health, although I could use a check up. I’d like to lose 5 pounds and get to around 20% body fat (I mean what’s to hate if you only have 5 pounds to lose!). Spiritually I could be more focused in my chanting and study. I’ve already started working on both.

Family: I’m an only child of two deceased parents. My relationships were great by the time my parents passed. I also have a half brother with whom I did not grow up, who is building a relationship with me now.

Relationships: This is the only area I feel is “lacking” but I have no “strong dislike.” I’ve definitely enjoyed being single and would like to enter a serious romantic relationship this year. I’ve done internal work, especially around forgiveness and welcoming. I continue to work on all aspects of my life in the belief that any future partner and I should both bring 100% to the table. I’ve met a lot of high quality men lately, so no complaints about that either. Hope to do more of that in the coming weeks and months.

That’s it in a nutshell. I’m a happy, well-adjusted Nicole. Looking forward to being better and brighter in 2011!

January 1, 2011May 4, 2019

Day 1 – A Mantra & A Notebook

Today is the first day of 2011 and it’s also day one of the 31 Day Reset. The first exercise is to choose a reset notebook and a mantra. The first part was easy.

In the past few months I’ve really been embracing my divine feminine and connecting more with myself as goddess. I’ve done quite a bit of journaling and was in the market for a new book. A few weeks ago I discovered this:

I was drawn to it right away. It has earth tones, yet is multi-colored with warm reds coexisting peacefully amidst calming blues. The woman is surrounded by, and is in fact, nature. She looks at ease and totally free. She is goddess.

I connected with her energy and determined my thoughts would be at home between her pages.

I’ve had this journal for several weeks now and have only written in it twice. The first time was during the winter solstice/lunar eclipse. The second time was last night – to write out my new year’s goals. It’s not an “empty” notebook, but it’s the perfect one. Part one – check!

The next thing was to find a mantra. Immediately I went to Emerson, whose essay, Self-Reliance, is full of gems. I thought about taking parts of various statements and creating an “ultimate” quote of sorts, but I didn’t exactly do that. In the end I decided to build from the passage that inspired this tweet:

When I am honest with myself, I realize the thing holding me back from that which I’d most like to do, is fear. There are many things about which I am timid, yet I do them anyway. Likewise, there are many things about which I am scared, but I muster up the courage to tackle them.

But there is one goal I have yet to reach, nor even strive toward. And when I am still, I hear the voice which whispers the truth of my desire, even as I silence it with my fear. And that, ladies and gentlemen, simply will no longer do.

In Self-Reliance, Emerson writes:

We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. It needs a divine man to exhibit anything divine.

Ignoring his use of the masculine (with respect to the reader and to God), this passage encapsulates the essence of my belief and my challenge. To live my purpose and mission is to honor the divine in me. To be afraid, to cower and even shun this work is, quite simply, to dishonor the divine. Although I’m one who is generally prone to gray interpretations, this is pretty black or white.

I’m doing the work or not. I’m living the life or not. I’m honoring my divinity or not. As I choose to honor my divinity and do my life’s work, I simultaneously honor all those I serve, which also includes God/Goddess/Nam-myoho-renge-kyo/the Law.

In an oft-quoted Buddhist text, Nichiren writes, “My wish is that all my disciples make a great vow” (WND-1, p. 1003). What is the vow of which he speaks? He wishes for all of his disciples to attain Buddhahood and to lead others to Buddhahood as well. This is also the original vow expressed by Shakyamuni in his highest teaching, the Lotus Sutra (Expedient Means, Chapter 2). Quite simply, the work and point of Nichiren Buddhism is to challenge your own weaknesses, manifest your best, brilliant self, and help others do the same.

My best self is hidden beneath my fear. And whatever it is I have to offer to the world remains covered until I am brave enough to break through. This does not serve humanity. This does not serve the Law. This does not serve me. To that end, my mantra is:

Goddess will not have her work made manifest by a coward. I am am fearless. I am divine. I am total victory. I am Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

December 31, 2010February 8, 2019

On the Timeliness of Untimely Calls

I was minding my own business. I had just pulled into the parking lot of a local pharmacy, where I aimed to return an overpriced item. My phone rang and an unknown Atlanta number flashed on the display. I’m not great about answering unknown numbers but 1) I have a new phone and all of my contacts didn’t transfer, and 2) I’m in the middle of job hunting and apartment hunting. Those things being the case, I picked up not knowing who may have been on the line.

A woman responded to my hello and stammered an introduction: “Um. Hi, my name is Sharon. I’m not sure if I’m calling the right place, or if you even have anything to do with it…so this may sound strange…but I used to work for…” She went on to explain who she was and how she knew my dad. She was a receptionist where he worked over 25 years ago. It was her first job out of college. He left a mark. She wanted to say thank you and see how he was.

She told me stumbled across a website about me while searching for his name. She offered me congratulations on finishing my doctorate and said she noticed a comment that seemed to imply my parents were deceased. I confirmed the sad news which prompted a series of sorries from her.

It is not unusual for people to contact me wondering how one or the other of my parents are, and it usually doesn’t effect me all that much. My mom passed away in 2003 and my dad in 2006. But today’s call struck me. I was nearly undone in the parking lot, suddenly missing my dad. I’ve never made it a secret of being a daddy’s girl and I was actually surprised I wasn’t more tearful about him or mom during my graduation festivities. But here I was, totally missing him, choking out thank you, but simultaneously present enough to wonder what he wanted me to know.

As random as this call seemed, I was suddenly sure it was very purposeful guidance. I’ve been sleepwalking the past couple of months. I just finished a 3+ year stint in graduate school with non-stop days (weeks? months?) of writing and thinking. I put myself on a vacation from “real life” while I transition from student to – whatever role I play now. I’ve been hibernating and whiling away my days, and my journaling and reiki practices have suffered. I’m no longer a leader in my Buddhist organization (due to moving around, not to lack of desire) and my practice has been a bit on the unfocused side. All of the things that help provide clarity and meaning in my life have been fading and blurring in the background. I’ve been on autopilot. Note: Autopilot isn’t a helpful setting if you’re trying to reinvent yourself and become clearer on your purpose and next steps.

And so here comes this call. While Sharon was talking, I scrounged up a piece of mail and a sharpie. I jotted what she said was most important to her and still rang true these decades later. She explained that my daddy was always calm and full of wisdom he was happy to share, he encouraged sensible solutions to problems, and told her (especially as a young person full of energy but no direction) to plan every step.

That definitely sounds like my dad. He was always quiet, steady, persistent, focused and driven. (And extremely silly too, just to be clear). I definitely believe this call was to nudge me back on track as 2010 comes to an end and the new decade begins. I take it as a reminder to both seek out and share wisdom, to take more responsibility in envisioning, planning and co-creating my future, yet to be patient as things unfold.

Here’s to the journey. Thanks Daddy! Happy new year!

xoxo

November 30, 2010February 8, 2019

Missed You

I haven’t written in months. At least not here. I have posted a bit over here, although I was quiet there too because I wanted to post “safe” things. I’m getting over that but…

I’ve learned that I really hate separating my personal writing from my professional writing. And, in fact, my goal is to engage my profession as my spiritual, authentic self. The dichotomy seems pointless, and even unproductive. {And it reminds me a bit of this post by Sojo}. BUT, I’m job hunting. I’m wanting to show the person who matches the job description. It’s not a dance I normally do and it’s actually made me re-prioritize the types of jobs I’m searching for (again). It’s becoming pretty clear to me the kind of work I should be doing. What’s not so clear is the how or where. I’ll explain more later.

All of that to say, the fact that I felt I’ve *had* to play it so safe and separate, and the fact that I’m resisting it now, means I’m working things out…creating space for the real me. It’s a period of reinvention. I’m a little impatient about it all, but happy to reflect and refine.

Hope to see you more often.

November 8, 2010

In Between

I’m excited. I’m relieved. I’m relaxed. I’m also in between…

I successfully defended my dissertation on Tuesday, November 2, but I have a round of revisions based on committee suggestions. It’s nothing major, and I hope to be done with them in a week. (We’ll see).

My friends and family have taken to calling me Dr. It’s sweet, although I’m not really done until those final checks and signatures are filed safely at the graduate school. My friend said “You’re not really ABD any more because you’re done with the D.” Well – that’s almost true.

So I’m in between. A little more than ABD, but not quite Dr. Collier, despite the excitement from friends and family.

Graduate school at the doctoral level is definitely a process. I’m joyfully one step closer to the end, but it ain’t over yet.

Go Dawgs.

September 22, 2010February 8, 2019

Introducing

Motivated by Sojo, I’m considering participating in Diva in Demand’s 30 Day Challenge. Don’t get it twisted – I have no delusions that I will write 30 days in a row, but I will work through the 30 entries suggested. The problem however, is this first entry. What to say? What to write? I really am hard pressed to share anything new or novel, so I’ll share my I Am From poem, written in class one night a few years ago.

i am from nappy hair being straightened in the kitchen
i am from the middle class
i am from weekly visits to the library, and summers in savannah
i am from running through the water sprinkler and laughing with cousins

i am from heart break – parents who loved me, loved cards, and loved a good joke

i am from grandfathers who went to college
i am from high expectations

i am from all black schools with all black teachers
i am from scrabble and monopoly, the cosby show and a different world
i am from opinionated family members

i am from shyness and introspection
i am from listening and observing
i am from writing

i am from loud music on saturday mornings – the temptations, the four tops, and studio 54
i am from track, spanish, band, cheerleading, and dance after school

i am from marshmallows in the fireplace and blinking lights on christmas trees

i am from tenacity
i am from stability

i am from love