50.2

The good news. The sabbatical is working. My brain is back online! I have so many new ideas and one of them is crystallizing pretty well. Younger me would be so excited to have multiple longform ideas to chose from.

The neutral news. It’s interesting being off schedule or having freedom over your day after feeling overworked for several years in a row. Sometimes I feel unmoored, which is not a feeling I love.

But nurturing my ideas (I have a composition book labeled Idea Farm) helps. I have to remind myself to be patient and to be okay with ambiguity. This is a major shift, after all.

Secret: I don’t crave the old work but I think about the old income. I know that I’m okay and will be okay. But I still think about it from time to time.

Other news. Some things have gone awry at the former gig. I felt bad about it and just learning that things weren’t going great triggered my anxiety. It was pretty interesting to watch my reaction unfold over a couple of days. My partner/boss has vowed to take full responsibility for getting things on the right track. I had the chance to review all of the transfer work that I did. I stand by it. It’s a high quality transition document. It took two full months of constant work to document processes. I did that!

Great news. After I really looked at it from the eyes of a new person, I was proud and calm and felt resolved in my current boundaries. Truth? I know I could get on payroll and fix things. But that would be pulling me away from where I want to be this year. Mired in details. Bogged down in minutia. No thank you. I choose my Idea Farm.

With these blogs, I’m documenting where I am with things, but it’s not with a heart of complaint. I’m very grateful to be fully present and have the space to figure things out.

50.1

I’ve done it. I’ve circled the sun 50 times!

I opened the beginning of my 51st year on the beach in Cancun. Blue and I read napped, facing turquoise waters, while drinking H20 and tequilas.

It was lovely to be away from computers and the hustle and bustle of life. Upon my return, I decided to take a little bit of a social media break, to help nurture the new ideas that have started to sprout.

I began thinking about where I want to go from here (50 marking the spot), months ago, but I’ve not yet arrived at any conclusions.

As it turns out, unwinding from burn out takes a lot longer than I expected, and it’s only now, after two solid months away, that my nervous system is relaxed enough for creativity to bloom again.

So I will continue to mull and lean into the parts that feel right and create the path by walking it. That’s today’s plan, at any rate.

xo

Meditations on running at dawn

I.

I ran in the morning, early.
Early early.

Earlier than usual, or should I say earlier than my new usual, which isn’t that late, but late enough to spy slim fingers of sunlight. Being out there in the quiet, in the darkness before dawn, reminded me why my old usual was so early.

It’s black then. Nearly silent. Almost nothing stirring but, without a doubt, the sun is on her way. I can hear my own thoughts, feel my own feelings, uninterrupted by the ever widening group of passersby.

Each new moment a minute closer to sunrise. Full of possibility.

II.

At 6pm I am brave.

I am energized and full of plans for the morning.

I will run, before daybreak
At the promise of the day
In the darkness before dawn

III.

At 9pm, the sun has gone, and I am second-guessing my big plans.

Surely I don’t want to run first thing on a Monday? Do I? 

But, just in case, I pull out my cold gear – running tights and all the rest.

Because even though my courage waned with the light, there is still time to sleep and wake up brave once more, and smile hello to hope.

So Far, So Good

It’s official. I’m on sabbatical from my job of a decade.

And I know because yesterday was my first day “at work” and I was like, I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing. Just kidding.

Sort of.

More on that in a bit.

In addition to working full time, in 2018 I added part-time author to the mix, which led to 7-day work weeks for months (years) at a time. Can you say burnout? I had it. Bad.

My day job was not time consuming or difficult, but for various reasons (COVID, alignment, household changes, etc.), in recent years I’ve I found it stressful and energy draining. I love the organization and the mission and my coworkers, too! But it was clearly time to step away to find and live my ikigai.

The day I put in my notice was not planned. One day, I really couldn’t take it any more. Between anxiety and extreme fatigue, I had to take immediate action. And I knew it had to be a complete break, not a stepping back or a slowing down.

So I crafted a message and stepped into my truth, fear and all. And after six weeks of knowledge transfer, I put on my out of office in late December, informing anyone who writes me there, that I’ll take a peek again in April (which may turn into… something else).

Before 2023 ended, I began working through the ikigai exercise. Generally understood as your reason for being, your ikigai is the intersection of what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs and what you can get paid to do. Unsurprisingly, writing came up quite a bit (along with teaching and coaching – also not a surprise). As you might’ve guessed, my focus for the next few months will be writing, writing, writing. I will resume coaching (shout out to my newly earned credential!), but on a limited basis for now.

My third book (!) is due to publish in October 2024, and while the hard part is over, there are still a few more steps in the short term. Yesterday, I took the first one. I’m in copyedits, which means I’m polishing the manuscript.

I started with a baby step – one chapter – my favorite approach, just to make sure I knew what was I doing and also to ease myself back into this project that I haven’t seen in about two months. Today I had a bigger goal – five to seven chapters – and met it within two hours, which is great because I allocated four. So that’s my work for the next week – polishing the rest of my new book! I aim to finish this round by next Friday if all goes according to plan.

Soon I will tell you about my first bullet journal, which arrived today. I’ve never attempted this organization strategy, but I’m hoping it will be useful and fun. Have you ever used a bullet journal? How did it go for you?

Happy New Year!

This is the year I turn 50.

More than any other milestone birthday, I’ve found this one to be a north star. Magnetic. Orienting.

A few months ago, I began reflecting on how I was feeling, what I was doing, and what I wanted to be different at 50. I discovered burn out and overwhelm and the profound desire to dig deeper into the work I’ve been assigned.

Freedom and impact presented themselves as key words during the introspection. And while neither is likely to be my one word of 2024 (I’m still mulling on it), they remain as beacons, helping to illuminate my choices this year.

What’s driving you at this moment? And where are you heading?

Promises, Memory and Time

Snapshot of the Tampa Bay near a boat dock. There are houses in the background and bird, perhaps a sea gull, flying low.

Sam answered on the second ring. 

“Why hello there,” his familiar voice rang out. Still warm, still friendly, but softer, frailer than I remembered. 

“Guess what?” I ask.

“You’re coming back.” It wasn’t a question. I giggled to myself at the quiet sureness.

“How did you know?” 

“Well, when you left, you said you’d return, you just didn’t know exactly when.”

I smiled at his recollection. At the truth of it. 

City of St. Petersburg welcome monument. Tall, blue figure with pink tiles.

It’s been nine years since I left St. Pete for Atlanta. Even though I’d only lived there a couple of years, St. Pete is the only place I’ve truly felt “home.”

When I departed in 2013, I was excited to leave, to start a new life in my old state. But I told folks on both sides of the GA/FL line, that I’d return to the sunshine state one day. 

“I’ll be back,” I’d told my Floridian friends. “I’m not sure if it’ll be five years or ten, but at some point, I’ll be back.”

Sam remembered. 

At first, I actively counted down the years until we could go back. But eventually, I found myself in a groove, no longer X-ing days off my calendar.  

Sooner than I expected, opportunity and circumstance coincided, and we decided that the time was now.

So here we are, surrounded by boxes and tape and markers, finalizing all the things one must make final before picking up a life and moving it elsewhere. 

In just over two weeks, we’ll be making our way back to the land of sun. 

Sub 60 10k – Revisited

Today was the first day of my new 10k training program. My goal is to run 6.2 miles (10k) in less than 60 minutes.

Day 1: 20-minute “easy” run, with 5-minute warm up and cool down.

The first time I trained for a sub 60 10k, which also resulted in my 10k personal best, was in 2016. For a lot of reasons I really needed to push far outside my comfort zone and commit to something new and challenging. I spent 16 weeks, very focused, never missing a run, even when I traveled to Colorado for work. Talk about tough. I did the best I could even in that mountain air and on those steep hills, because I really wanted to see it through.

I set a lot of personal records during that time and ended up finishing the solo race at 57:58. Sub 60, yes! I was proud of that run, and still am. I’ve never beat that time, nor have I tried to. I’m not necessarily trying to now, either. My goal is to hit sub 60 with composure.

By the end of that 2016 race, I was walking and sprinting and walking again, holding on for dear life to eke out the finish. It was many things, but it was not pretty. As it turns out, the training program had a fatal flaw, but since I was such a novice, I didn’t know to be alarmed.

Predicted race times after a 9 minute benchmark run.

These days, on older yet wiser legs, I’m up for the challenge. Blue just registered for a marathon and his training program begins, this week. So I’m starting one in solidarity. My current “race predictor” thinks I can beat my personal best. But as long as there’s a 5 in front, and some breath in my lungs, I’ll claim the win.

Do you have any fitness goals underway right now? Let’s do it! See to it.

…but how do you want to feel? (revisited)

I first heard this question, posed in this particular way, in 2013. I was attending a Black women’s wellness conference I’d help to program, and keynote speaker Akilah Richards, invited us to ponder this.

The “but” is intentional. You may be busy, accomplished, getting shit done, but how do you want to FEEL?

Me, feeling silly in the sunshine.

The question struck me quite deeply at the time. I was busy, accomplished, getting shit done, but wasn’t feeling great, and hadn’t been for awhile by then. I know now that part of the issue was likely anemia. But the other part was change. Everything about my life and surroundings was different, and I no longer felt like myself. 

That question pushed me to think differently about my life and my approach to it. 

I’m coming back to this question now as I’m in the middle of reviewing and revising goals. Specifically I’ve been wanting to engineer my days so they are more fulfilling. 

In recent years I’ve focused on what I want to do, or accomplish, but I’m realizing I’ve neglected to focus on how I want to feel.

I’ve started jotting a list of the ways I want to feel. So far I have:

  • Energized
  • In flow
  • Happy
  • Proud
  • Relaxed
  • Day dreamy
  • Smart
  • FREE

I plan to add and subtract and play with this list for a few days, and once it feels right, I’ll brainstorm things I can do (or am already doing!) to feel them more often. I think this will help me find or better use small pockets of time and prioritize certain tasks in more meaningful ways.

What about you? How do you want to feel?

Step

Me taking a step in Sesimbra, Portugal

At times you feel stagnant. That you have not gotten any closer to a goal than you were weeks, months, years ago.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming – there’s so much to do after so much nothing. And how will I ever get there from here?

The truth is, the answer is the same as it always was. The answer is to take one step.

Do not get mired in the inevitable questions: Step where? How big? Which direction? What if I don’t know which kind of step is the best step? What if I take the wrong step? These thoughts become glue, sticking you right where you are.

There is no predetermined right way for you to get from here to there. There is no other you. No other person with your experiences, your insight, your body, your vision, your heart. You are the cartographer, making the map as you go. But the going is the key.

And to get going, you must take a step.

Breathing

Sunrise in a park
(c) nicole d. collier – Views while running.

I’m learning how to breathe. Again.

After years of mindless tension in my body, and holding my own breath, I’m breathing deeper, slower, quieter, ala Andrew Weil. I’ve figured out diaphragmatic breathing and the wonders of taking air in through my nose.

Like everything else, better breathing is a habit. It takes effort and practice. Commitment.

I’ve come back to this – proper breathing – a few times over the years, but in recent weeks I’ve had more motivation to stick with it. More desire to get it right, and positive results from doing so.

I spent years blaming my stuffy nose on everything except my own breathing technique. Turns out, years of breathing through your mouth makes your nose/nose hairs less efficient. Who knew?

So far I’ve discovered more energy during my runs and increased ability to identify, regulate and reduce stress while increasing internal quiet. Taken together, I’m developing a more balanced nervous system with lower blood pressure.

It’s not a miracle cure, in that it doesn’t happen after one or two days of work. But it’s beautiful to help the body remember and work the way it was designed to.