On Mother’s Day I cried.
I felt anxious most of the day. Irritable. Off-kilter. But I wasn’t sure why. Late afternoon I sat with Blue and he held my hands until I could say. I truly didn’t know until the words flew out: “I’m not a mother.” I buried my face, hiding tears.
It felt strange to say. And really it was more that I felt in between. Displaced? Out of place? I dunno. I was coming to love his children, but who was I, really? Despite the growing relationship we all shared, there was no neat space for me. Not stepmom. Not stepmom-to-be. But there they were. And here I was. A lovely conundrum in the grand scheme of things, but one that confused my heart. Normally, I don’t look to commercial calendars for commentary on my life circumstances, but for once that Hallmark holiday hurt. The silence stung.
Blue reassured me with his warm brown eyes and a tight squeeze, but there wasn’t much he could say then. We were little more than two weeks away from his proposal and he didn’t give away his secret.
I learned a lot in that moment, and in many moments of my 40th year. The lessons I signed up to master this lifetime have seemed to spiral each decade, although teachers and learning environments change as I do. One of the ways I move forward is by looking back and noting the wisdom I’ve gathered thus far. What follows is an admittedly incomplete accounting of my most recent trip around the sun.
- Life’s victories and joys ebb and flow, not unlike the ocean.
- You can be happy and content without being giddy.
- You never step in the same river twice. You may get another chance at {insert thing here} but everything about it is different the next time. Including you.
- Sometimes you expect what never comes, and get what you weren’t expecting.
- Titles really do mean something. Act accordingly.
- Watching and listening are active tasks and are best done with your whole heart.
- Those who truly know you, understand.
- Praise and encouragement are loving and effective motivators.
- You can’t force change, although with clarity and warm persistence, you can influence your environment.
- Human relationships are complicated. The best ones teach you something about yourself.
Here’s to another trip around the sun…