“The less of yourself you feel when you are with someone, the less of them you should probably see!” – Lakara Foster
I logged into Facebook this evening, and my friend Tia had the quote above as her status update. I quickly commented, “That’s a word,” and I meant it.
I totally agree with that sentiment. I’m nearly 40, and the best thing about being 39 1/2 is the fact I’ve spent nearly a decade living authentically. It was as if some magic switch turned on at or around my 30th birthday, and I shed the bullshit and suddenly became myself. The dormant me, always there, sprang forth. And even though it’s fair to say I’m still (and always will be) in a state of becoming, being true to myself and learning to live life on my own terms is freeing. It’s joy.
It’s not a secret to close friends and family that I’m in a romantic relationship. It’s been an amazing experience – one in which I’ve been able to grow as an individual and as a partner. It’s beautiful and yet it’s challenging. Not in a toiling, difficult sort of way, but it takes effort. And part of what takes effort is allowing myself to be me. The normal day-to-day is easy. Yet when inevitable moments of tension come up (growth opportunities in corporate speak), there’s always the option to avoid the situation, to play a role, or to be myself.
Sometimes “myself” has feelings I wish I wouldn’t have. But these feelings, whether or not they align with reason, are human. Experiencing them is what it means to be human. Exploring them openly is what it means to be intimate. To the degree that you feel you can be honest with a friend, partner or lover – intentionally transparent – that connection is a healthy one.
It’s not easy, but it’s honest. And worth it.
it’s hard, being vulnerable. but all you can do is try. and love. and see what happens.
I knew exactly what I was going to write about today. I really did. But two things kept me from it.
One was time. I simply ran out of it today. The other was was my memory. I completely forgot! I was so focused on finishing work by midnight, blogging slipped my mind.
I remembered in the nick of time. So here I am, in the bed, dictating into my phone. And you know what? That counts, too.
I’m out and about, so today I’m blogging from my smartphone. Gonna do a stream of consciousness about today so far…
Saturday smells like freshly cut grass
Kids after soccer
Newly braided hair
Clean laundry folded into little piles all over the bed
It tastes like high protein breakfast – scrambled eggs and baked chicken
High carb snacks of leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies
Dark coffee with brown sugar and whipped cream on top
Saturday looks like winding roads and hilly landscapes
Towering green trees with occasional patches of pink crepe myrtle
Deer snacking on nearby bushes
Sunrises and high noon
Clouds but no threat of rain
It sounds like random screams from cartoon movies
Cheers from college football games
Kid trivia from the backseat
Crickets in tall grasses making plans for the evening
I’m a runner. After a several month hiatus, I ran a few miles in June of this year, and began running in earnest in July. I was serious about getting back to it. I had stopped earlier in the year due to spending an inordinate amount of time in hotels.
I’m an outdoor runner. Treadmills, while great for me as a new runner, simply irritate me now. Seriously. Staring at wall? Or talking heads? Or those red snaking lights on the console? No.
For some, running is part of a serious training regimen. They’re preparing for races and other sports. Me? I just love the endorphins. Exercising is how I get going in the morning. Many hotels are not situated near runner-friendly territory, and I’m not so dedicated to running that I’ll regularly subject myself to worn-out treadmills and the fight to find a free one.
And so here I was, in a hotel for two nights. As I unloaded my car to check-in, a quick glance confirmed there wasn’t a nice stretch of sidewalk/running path nearby. I’d brought my exercise DVDs so I was set. But I knew I wanted to run. Determined to keep my newly established momentum, I resolved to beat the morning rush and *gag* get my morning miles in on the treadmill.
We shall see. I stopped messing with hotel treadmills long ago. But maybe there’s one available. And that works.
I was proud of myself. And why not? I had a goal and I was well on my way to reaching it. The next day, I stuck to my DVDs. Endorphins flooded my body and all was well. That is until I noticed the sunrise and took a good look out of my window.
Lo and behold, I spotted a sidewalk! Not just any sidewalk, but one alongside a lake! A picturesque, runnable path. And I had missed my opportunity to complete a beautiful outdoor run. Twice.
I couldn’t believe it. I was so focused on “sucking it up” and “sticking to the plan,” that I allowed my previous experiences with other hotels to dampen my curiosity and sense of exploration. I barely looked around before I determined I had no other options. I didn’t even inquire, even though I’d considered doing just that. All because I had convinced myself that what was visible was all there was.
Boy, was I wrong.
That taught me something. It’s great to have a goal in mind and a serious commitment to stick to it. And it’s important to have clear focus so I can dismiss distractions and detractors. But equally important is maintaining an open mind and open heart to be able to explore options that may not be visible to the naked eye. It’s a balancing act. But I’m learning to live in the spaces between focused intention and seeking spirit.
Don’t allow your tunnel vision to block your view of the lake.
I’m not short on ideas, but I’m short on the energy to write about them. I started working on a post in my drafts just now, and just petered out. I’m low on focus at present, but not low on determination. I said I would show up, so here I am.
Today I’m rereading one of my favorite essays by Daisaku Ikeda. It’s called What is Happiness? and it challenges us to remember that true happiness is forged through inner work. Writes Ikeda,
Happiness is not a life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. There is no such thing as a problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience and react to our problems depends on us.
Sometimes I feel stagnant, or catch myself thinking, “I’ll be happy when…” In those moments I check myself and probe to see what it is I’m doing or not doing in my life. Why am I looking for happiness in a time and place that simply don’t exist? What is right in front of me that I can impact today? Have I settled with an attitude of complaint or complacency? What am I staking my happiness on? How can I make the shift to become self-reliant and grateful for the little things that are undoubtedly present, even if difficult to spot at first glance?
True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you do not challenge your weaknesses and change yourself from within. Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another.
Happiness is an active, not a passive state. Are you actively pursuing your happiness? If not, today is a great day to start.
There are lots of big stories in the news right now. Some of national import, others of international import, but the one of personal import is about badass Diana Nyad. She’s a 64-year-old marathon swimmer, she set a new record, and perhaps most importantly, she refused to be defeated by time, circumstances or self-doubt. She went for an Xtreme Dream and made it come true.
Age is not an excuse for giving up. Allowing yourself to grow passive and draw back is a sign of personal defeat. There may be a retirement age at work, but there is no retirement age in life. ~Daisaku Ikeda
Nyad swam 110.4 statue miles in just under 53 hours, making the trek from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. She wasn’t without protection – donning a special suit and mask to protect her from the jellyfish which foiled her previous attempt. And she wasn’t alone – her team was with her, stopping her for feedings and rest and making sure her path was as passable as possible.
Xtreme Dreams Require Relentless Pursuit
The seed to swim to Florida was first planted in Nyad as a young girl, and she made her initial attempt at the age of 29. That attempt, and the next three were beset by obstacles she couldn’t overcome. Despite the disappointing setbacks, she refused to give up on her dream without trying one last time.
Not only is she a lifelong swimmer and dreamer, Nyad is also a lifelong learner. Although 35 years passed between her initial attempt and her final, successful one, Nyad said she learned we should never give up, we’re never too old to chase our dreams, and even solitary sports like swimming are a team effort.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about goals in recent years. And as I’ve hinted in the past, I have a lifelong dream or two I’m pursuing. As beautifully illustrated by Nyad’s victory, dreams don’t simply come true on their own. It’s not enough to have one. It’s not enough to hope and wish it will come true. It takes effort. Human action steps. And sometimes, even with planning and preparation, it’s not enough to go for it once.
Anyone who has ever made a resolution discovers that the strength of that determination fades in time. The moment you feel that is when you should make a fresh determination. Tell yourself, “OK! I will start again from now!” If you fall down seven times, get up an eighth. Don’t give up when you feel discouraged—just pick yourself up and renew your determination each time. ~Daisaku Ikeda
It took Nyad five attempts – five – over the course of more than 30 years. This tells as much about physical skill and endurance as it does about patience and perseverance.
But just as important as the thought to never give up, is the seriousness of intent and clarity of purpose. That 8-year-old Nyad dreamed of swimming the Florida straits, and 20-something-year-old Nyad was a successful endurance swimmer wasn’t happenstance. Furthermore, that 64-year-old Nyad was ultimately successful, wasn’t a matter of luck. It was the culmination of focused determination and untold hours and years of disciplined work.
These are habits I’m developing in myself. Mostly I’m working to overcome my own efforts at self-sabotage through procrastination, something Joshunda tweeted about recently. It’s a process, but then again, growing and evolving always is. The point, at least for me, is to keep striving. Or, as Dory said in Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming.”
The worst mistake you can make is to give up on yourself and stop challenging yourself for fear of failure. Keep moving forward with a firm eye on the future, telling yourself, “I’ll start from today!” “I’ll start afresh from now, from this very moment!” ~Daisaku Ikeda
“Whatever your Other Shore is … get there.” ~ #DianaNyad
The blogosphere can be a cheerful place, and one of the things I like best about it is how fellow bloggers cheer each other on. We do this by commenting on posts and amplifying favorite posts across social media. We also give kudos and encouragement by nominating each other for awards. In her entry yesterday, Alexis nominated me for a Sunshine Award. The requirement for this award? Another blogger simply enjoying my blog! It’s a sweet sentiment and a nice reminder that although people aren’t always visible or vocal, they’re still reading.
Sunshine Award recipients have duties:
Include the Sunshine Award logo (above) in your blog post.
Link to the person who nominated you.
Answer these 10 questions about yourself (below).
Nominate 10 bloggers and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
I don’t read 10 blogs regularly, so I won’t nominate that many. I will say that two of my favorite blogs are Joshunda’s Tumblr which is always inspirational and interesting, and Intelligentsia Brown’s Get Chose Movement which is probably best described as scholarly ratchetry. She hasn’t written much as of late, but neither have I. I’m hoping for a resurgence soon. There are a few others I enjoy from time to time, and I reserve the right to add to this list throughout the month. :-).
So about those questions…
1. If you couldn’t blog anymore, what would your “outlet” be?
I love Twitter, and I definitely use that as a way to fellowship and communicate and develop ideas. I have a decent following there and I learn a lot through engaging my tweeps.
2. If you could go to a spa and get any treatment they provided, what would you get?
I go to spas at least annually (on my birthday), but I strive for more often than that. I always get a massage and a pedicure, but lately I’ve also added facials. The best treatment I’ve had was a combo wrap, scrub, massage, reflexology deal in Mexico a few years ago. So what would I get? All of the above, please.
3. If you could go back in time, would you have followed a different career path than you did? What would it be?
I have a journalism degree, and I’d still like to dust it off and put it to good use. If I could have a do over I may have pursued magazine journalism or creative writing – both things I was angling toward when I veered toward teaching instead. In any event, I’m happy I became an educator, and I plan to begin my second career as a writer sometime around my 40th birthday.
4. You can plan any type of vacation you want. Would you want relaxing or adventurous?
I’m all about relaxation. Sure, we can add a little bit of adventure to the mix, but mostly I long for time and space to recuperate and recharge. Give me a couple of days on Caribbean island and I’m set.
5. What food do you hide from your kids and sneak after they go to bed?
I don’t have kids. If I have any later, or become a stepmom at some point, I’m not quite sure what I’d hide from them. I don’t eat anything that I don’t recommend children eat.
6. What TV show (that is currently on) are you addicted to?
I stopped watching live TV over a year ago, and I haven’t plugged my television up since I moved in April. Because so many people have talked about Orange is the New Black, I have started watching Season 1 on Netflix. I enjoy it, but I’m not addicted. I generally spend free time reading, tweeting, or spending time with my SO.
7. What was the best book you’ve ever read?
Hmm. This is a hard one. There are lots of best books. In fact, I’m gonna just refuse to name one. Some of my favorites include:
most of the Harry Potter books,
Their Eyes Were Watching God,
Silver Sparrow,
32 Candles,
The Narrative of Frederick Douglass,
The Bluest Eye,
several of the early Alex Cross novels,
The Watsons Go to Birmingham,
most Judy Blume books,
Philip Hall Likes Me, I Reckon, Maybe,
I Wish I Had a Red Dress, and
Interviewing as Qualitative Research.
As you can see, I find pleasure in all sorts of books.
8. Do you play a musical instrument? If not, what would you play if you could?
I’m a flautist. Or was. I’d love to learn piano. I took lessons for two weeks one summer and it was great.
9. What was the first and last concert you’ve been to?
Tricky. Growing up, I went to a few concerts with my parents. One stands out in particular: The Tempting Temptations and the Fabulous Four Tops at Chastain Park in Atlanta. I haven’t really been to concerts much since then. The only other one that stands out was 2 Live Crew at FAMU my freshman year. Ratchet, yes indeed.
10. What is your favorite holiday?
Growing up it was Christmas. Mainly because I loved Christmas lights and singing Christmas songs around the house. I remember shunning the commercial aspect of Christmas as early as elementary school, and I never really celebrated for religious purposes. For both of those reasons, I’m not really into holidays at all now, but I do enjoy celebrating days of personal importance. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Days like that are special, or holy to me. I have an anniversary coming up, actually. September 15th. Blue and I will celebrate one year together. That’s not significant to anyone else, but it’s important to us.
I attended a monthly Word Peace Prayer Meeting for my Buddhist sect yesterday. During the meeting, Alvin Munson shared a faith-based experience about personal development and living his dream of being a writer. He shared several meaningful quotes that struck a chord with me.
The essence of what he said is based on guidance from Daisaku Ikeda: Faith means setting goals. View faith as a process that leads to success. The resolve to accomplish your goal is what counts.
In Nichiren Buddhism, personal development, also known as human revolution, often hinges on the resolve to take action. The resolve to begin when circumstances seem daunting. The resolve to continue when things are tough. The resolve to begin again after a major setback. Faith, in essence, is about believing in your ability to persevere.
It’s not the belief that you can magically avoid obstacles. After all, Nichiren wrote, “No one can avoid problems, not even sages or worthies.” But striving onward, resolved to win over your own weaknesses is the crux of Buddhist faith. The question is, how can I develop my life and expand my capacity to accomplish my goals? It’s not about besting others, but ultimately about besting ourselves.
What are you resolved to accomplish this month? This year? This lifetime? How will you grow in order to be successful?
I’m young at heart, and recently celebrated my 39 1/2 birthday, but few things keep you as flexible and free-spirited as children. Last night was a good reminder of that.
Four of us negotiated pawns in the new “fire and ice” version of Sorry, when we stopped to comment on the intermittent percussion piercing the quiet evening.
Blue went to investigate and came to report there were fireworks nearby! You may not know this, but fireworks are one of my favorite things. “I wanna see!” said my inner 10-year-old, and we dashed outside to check them out.
Barefoot, we stood in the grass, craning necks and blocking street lights with palms to admire the colorful blasts lighting the sky. The youngest among us decided it was a great time to run around and requested we time him as he ran back and forth between mailboxes.
Suddenly it was a race. We each staked out lanes in the middle of the empty street and scouted a finish line. A nearby fire hydrant seemed a good marker, and I silently questioned the wisdom of sprinting in a dress without so much as a warm up or stretch. Off we went, legs flying, balls of feet smacking pavement.
Seconds later it was over. Breathless, laughing, we turned around and walked back, girls gloating – the clear winners. Back indoors we finished our game. Boys the winners that time.
And with that, August ended with a bang.
Now it’s the first day of September, and it’s time to begin blogging again. This post opens the month and opens my next 30 and 30 challenge. Over the next 30 days, my plan is to write 30 posts. As always, they’ll be about whatever moves me at the time. I hope you’ll hang around.
March was a great month of endings, beginnings, and transformations in general. I updated this space every day while in the midst of a whirlwind. The high energy and nonstop pace is in full swing for another couple of days, but I wanted to take a breath to share the top posts from last month.
So I just moved. And I don’t know about you, but for me moving is a special process full of resistance, excitement, and everything in between. I was slow to get started, but eventually, I did start packing. I’ve only spent one night in my new place, so no, I’m not settled yet.
I’m always fascinated by narratives and the power of story, and maybe some of you are too? This blog about knowing your family’s narrative, got a lot of attention.
Early in the month I wrote about the importance of telling your own story – if not to others, then at the very least, to yourself. I didn’t know that post and subsequent events in the real world would set the stage for me to share my own story of sexual violence. I’ve been investigating my rape narrative for nearly two years now, and I felt moved to share my side of things with the ex who violated me. Readers and friends asked me what I hoped to gain by all of this. I wrote this in response. I found myself writing so much about sexual violence in March, I added a new category (sexual violence). I’ve been quiet on the topic as of late, but I expect to be writing more about it in the coming months.
Violence of any kind takes place when there is an absence of love. I don’t believe individuals and subsequently, society, can truly be whole without a serious infusion of love.
