That’s why you’re so thin

Because of work, I am often around strangers during lunch time. Not complete strangers as usually we’ve spent the past few hours engaged in professional learning. But distant enough that they may ask me to repeat my first name or still mispronounce my last. Aside from 911, they wouldn’t know who to call in case of emergency. They have no idea I enjoy reading juvenile and young adult fiction.

In the course of the day I may have used my short distance running or Blue’s marathons as a way to explain something. I could have made reference to salsa dancing to shift the energy after a break. I probably mentioned kids I used to teach while demonstrating the various interactions between teacher and students. In other words, they think they know me.

But invariably, if I’m having lunch with or near one of these people, they will comment on my dietary choices and proclaim “that’s why you’re so thin.”

Plain salad. No onions, no cheese. Just the way I like it!
No onions, no cheese. Just the way I like it!

Today it was because I requested a salad with no dressing. “No dressing?!” exclaimed the astounded person. “THAT’S why you’re so thin!” As if I were keeping a secret. Never mind the “non-thin” things I eat that happen to be currently out of view. The key to it all (today) is the dressing.

The dressing thing gets a lot of attention, actually. Some people chalk it up to an amazing amount of discipline. “Wow! You eat your salads dry? That’s hard core. No wonder… ” {you know where this is going}.

Thing is, I like the taste of vegetables. Always have. My mother didn’t have to sneak me spinach. I asked for it. We grew cucumbers in the backyard and I ate them. When cabbage rolls were on the menu, I cheered. I like vegetables.

And, I dislike salad dressing!

I grew up the only child in the house. My mother liked French dressing. I found it atrocious. My father ate bleu cheese. Probably the worst thing I’ve tasted. Even worse than liver. So, if I wanted a “sauce” for my salads, it was one of those, or nothing. And since I liked vegetables, nothing was the right call!

Years of that and eventually I found out other dressings existed, but I didn’t go out of my way to experiment with them. Because why? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Now I won’t say I made it to 40 never tasting other salad dressings. I have, and I am okay with ranch and Italian. Oil and vinegar are also cool. Occasionally the juice from a lemon or lime might be a nice change. But it’s rare I’ll add them. And today was a day I opted for “the usual” to accompany my gumbo: small salad, no dressing.

Although I explained the dressing thing, the woman still gave me a look as though she knew better.

I shrugged and turned away to finished my lunch.

Reflections

reflections by lashun beal
Reflections by LaShun Beal

She’s here! I’m so excited to welcome her home.

I bought this print by LaShun Beal circa 1998 as a 20-something graduate student at Florida State University. Fellow grad students hosted in-home art shows, and we’d select our prints, matting and frames.

Beal had a few captivating pieces at the time, but she’s the one that spoke to me. Money was tight, and framing isn’t free, but I’ve never regretted the purchase.

She’s been with me through many moves back and forth across the GA/FL state line including last year’s epic return.

Bibliophiles unite!
Bibliophiles unite!

Blue and I are in the process of consolidating homes, and last night we began by collecting my bookshelves. But as we surveyed my house, there she was, hanging patiently on my bedroom wall. I knew I wasn’t going to leave her there another night.

This morning I returned from my run, and Blue had already unloaded the smaller odds and ends. And her.

Each day it feels more and more like home.

On puzzling

crowd pleasersSo we puzzle. The kids are gifted puzzles for birthdays and what have you, and the four of us sit around at various intervals and piece them together.

Our latest enterprise? Tour de la Tour, a 1000-piece Crowd Pleasers that features countless bikers who are dressed alike and are engaged in sometimes similar, oftentimes strange activities. This puzzle is sort of challenging, yet also sort of easy because many of the pieces have tell-tale images:

  • A small red bell on a bike that’s otherwise the same as all the other bikes.
  • A black shark fin in a stretch of sandy pathways.
  • A dark sheep in the middle of all the ivory ones, and so on.

I’ll have to admit, this puzzle has drawn me in more than the others we’ve done so far. Perhaps more than the others, all at once, the eyes no longer cooperate. Suddenly you simply can’t find the edge of that yellow brim on that rounded edge even though you’re sure it’s somewhere “over there.”

The smart ones walk away, and do something else for a while. Perhaps housework or homework or work work. And as you return to consider the puzzle once again, the edge of the yellow brim practically leaps into your hand, as do those other three pieces you saw but didn’t recognize during your last round at the table.

Creation is like that. Or doing anything that requires serious engagement. Sustained focus is helpful and even necessary for some projects or tasks (or conversations), but there comes a time when too long on task leads to diminishing returns. It’s helpful to take a break in the action, put some distance between you and the activity and returned refreshed, ready for a new perspective. And in fact, when I’m working, I’ll often turn to puzzles to clear my head, shift my thinking, or change my energy levels.

What about you? Do you enjoy puzzling? Are there any strategies you use with puzzles that you apply to daily life?

6 to go

I’ve been 40 for six months! Yesterday was my half birthday.

We have to blame Sojo and Sam for this whole half birthday thing. They are the ones who introduced me to the concept, and it took a few years before I actually paid attention to the calendar and remembered my own. But this year, finally, I did, and so happy half birthday to me!

Some days it seems I haven’t accomplished much this year, but as I sit and reflect, I have to admit that’s impatience talking.

I’ve gotten new opportunities at work and landed some interesting freelance contracts. I’ve made strides in my creative projects and midway between my birthday and my half birthday…

Me and Blue in NYC at an impromptu engagement party.
Me and Blue in NYC at an impromptu engagement party.

I got engaged. *shimmies*

It’s been a fun year thus far. My only regret is not documenting more of it. I’ve been writing morning pages and journaling semi-regularly, but I can do more to record this chapter of my life. In anticipation of the next six months, I plan to write a letter to myself to arrive on my 41st birthday.

There’s always a balance to strike between living life and writing about it, but inspired by Pearl Cleage’s work, I want to maintain the one, increase the other, and enjoy the hell out of both.

Cheers to life and love and all that jazz. And happy (half) birthday to me!

Old Snippets

I’m organizing.

This is one of the first steps in my creative process. It’s resistance, or maybe it’s preparation for creation. All I know is, I can always tell how serious I am about writing by how much I suddenly have to clear off desks and organize files. Ha.

Today’s resistance-preparation is clearing out some of the random notes I’ve written in my computer’s Stickies app. Some of these are a few years old and most of them are interesting.

The one I’ve pasted below was written on Christmas Day 2012. At first I had no idea what was on my mind, but on second thought, I was pretty sure it was about love.

It was stream of consciousness so this is unedited. Maybe I’ll expand it, revise it, or something. Maybe not.

====

Coming out of a cave is at once liberating and fear-inducing. Eventually, you see, one comes to love the cave without so much as a second thought. It is home. It is cozy. One is protected from the elements. And there again, in many ways, from life itself.

And there I was, comfortable in cave-as-home. Caged. And here I am, out. Free. And it is joyful. Yet painful. Elements assault underused senses. The prickly sensation of blood flowing through sleeping organs. It’s uncomfortable.

Laughter as sunshine. Tears for rain. Breath – sometimes quick and shallow, other times relaxed, deep – so much wind.

 

The view from my window

A windfarm in Indiana.
A windfarm in Indiana.

I’m with Blue and the kids in Indiana. We’re up here for his family reunion. Lots has been going on in the past several weeks, but all of my writing about it has been private, thus far. It’s time to start blogging again and I have a few updates coming soon. Today I just wanted to peek in and wave hello.

Hello!

Thoughts on a Friday

I love this album.

Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Purple Rain. I had the purple 45 growing up and listened to it until it was all scratchy. And then I listened to it some more.

I was in elementary school when it came out, so it’s likely I didn’t get it right away, but who remembers? I’m pretty sure I still have the saucer-sized vinyl disc and a plastic yellow 45 adapter stuck in the center of it.

It’s somewhere buried in the stacks of albums, cassettes and 8-tracks in the basement.  But I’ve not been home to check them lately.

To the house, is probably more accurate than home. As I wrote long ago, home is where the heart feels welcome. My heart and home are with Blue. I’m in the process of moving again.

I have an essay brewing about getting back in the swing of things after a year of transition. And now more transition is on tap. I have a couple of essays brewing, actually.

Speaking of writing, I’m thinking about taking a creative writing class. I’d like some sort of structure and accountability. Writing groups have been suggested to me more than once, so I do plan to look into those as well…

Years ago I claimed I had nothing to say. Not that what I had to say was valueless – I claimed to lack for ideas. I have the ideas. Just gotta to spend more time putting them on paper.

I’m a prolific thinker, but writers write.

Comfort zone

As a general rule, I love routine. I like to be oriented. I want clear directions. I want to know what to expect. As a child, my parents thought it was cool to say things like, “Let’s go!” without any explanation as to where we were going. Some people think this is adventurous. I found it highly irritating.

Sometimes my mother would give me a choice between some wonderful surprise or staying home. If I couldn’t know in advance, I always chose to stay home. They never caught on that I just needed to know what I was getting in to. The ice cream, the movie, the {insert wonderful thing}, was simply not enough of a draw. The key thing for me was knowing what was going on. Having a clear sense of place and belonging.

I’d like to say I grew out of it. The truth is, I am just more willing to be uncomfortable. I dislike going into crowded rooms if I am unfamiliar with the layout. I’m not excited to strike up conversations with strangers just because we’re near each other.

I will do these things, and I can make the best out of it. I can smile genuinely and find points of connection. I can get oriented in a disorienting situation.

But it doesn’t bring me pleasure.

Many times I’ll opt in to uncomfortable situations just for the sake of growth. Or love. Or some such noble reason.

But every now and again, I opt out.  Just for the sake of me.

Sometimes I’m shy. Sometimes I’m an introvert. Sometimes I’m moody. Always I’m me! *shimmies*

Relax

Relax.

It made me tense because every time he said it, I thought I was already doing it. He, Daddy, insisted I wasn’t. Squeezed beside him in the dark brown easy chair, we’d while away the late afternoons. He’d finish a cigarette while watching sports or news or whatever was on that time of day. Our legs stretched out, fully reclined, his head back and eyes closed, voice like a hypnotist, urging me to relax.

I am relaxed! I’d protest. I’m relaxing!

No, he’d disagree in that same quiet trance. Relax, he’d repeat. And on it went day after day. As the years passed, sharing the easy chair became more of a challenge. My petite build was now too much for a chair designed for one. His admonitions to relax fell to the recesses of my mind.

Pretending to relax.
Pretending to relax.

Until I found myself in my 30s holding my breath. Doing homework or watching a movie, or really any mundane thing, a quick moment of reflection would reveal hunched shoulders, a tight body, and me, inexplicably holding my breath.

It was as if my body were in a perpetual state of flight or fight.

And yet, as far as I could tell, there was no reason for stress.

Is this what daddy meant when he insisted I never relaxed? Did I somehow develop this habit of holding tension in my body, even holding my own breath, in childhood?

I think of it now for two reasons. One, I’m reading Tiger Eyes, and I believe it’s triggering memories of daddy. Davey, the central character, was close to her father. As the book opens, he has died unexpectedly. I didn’t make the connection before, but when the second memory, “Relax,” came to mind, I thought that might be the cause.

The second reason is I’m doing it again. I thought I had mastered deeper and more regular breathing, keeping unfounded tension out of my body. But twice in recent days I’ve found myself slouching, breathing shallow breaths. And I’m hearing his voice urging me to relax.

I’m listening, Daddy.

Tiger Eyes

My Goodreads feed has seen a lot of action lately. In recent weeks I’ve finished The Good House by Tananarive Due, Salsa Nocturna by Daniel José Older, and Freeman by Leonard Pitts. These represent a pretty significant departure from the type of fiction I usually read, yet I enjoyed them all.

1981 Tiger Eyes cover artNow I am on to Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume. I thought I had read all of her juvenile/YA fiction growing up, but somehow I missed this offering. These days I’m “reading like a writer,” meaning I’m paying more attention to the structure and craft of the writing I read.

Although I’m not very far into the book, I was swept into the action on page one. There’s a reason I devoured Judy’s books growing up. What I notice and appreciate in these opening pages is Judy’s clear, direct and economical style of storytelling. I’m not getting lost in a huge cast of characters or a sprawling universe. I’m learning about and empathizing with Davey. Period.

I’m doing a lot of reading these days because one, I love a good book, and two, because I’m working my way through new ideas for short stories and novels. These stories provide inspiration, clarity and craft lessons.

Do you have some time to read this summer? What’s on your summer reading list?